I think I have good insight into my illness. I’m often reassured by people that I come across as being ‘normal’ and I’m sure they wouldn’t have any reason to believe that I’m different in any way unless they spent some time with me and knew my history. My scars (Blog #29) sometimes gives it away.
When I’m overwhelmed with my auditory hallucinations I’m sure I appear vacant and not connected to the environment around me. I sometimes have to excuse myself from conversations I’m having because it feels as if I’m listening to two people speak at once. I hope they don’t think I’m being rude. As far as the voices go I understand that they aren’t real most of the time. I understand I have schizophrenia and the voices are one symptom of the illness but I sometimes wonder if there is some truth to them. (Blog #032)
I know people can’t read my thoughts and I can’t read theirs but it doesn’t make the sensation any easier to manage. Sometimes I’m so tuned into what I ‘think’ people are thinking I drop out of ‘reality’. I can pull myself out of this and I do almost every time it happens but as it happens, trust me, it seems real!
Nobody would know when I’m paranoid. My anxiety attacks are a little more obvious because I get the shakes and I sometimes find it hard to string sentences together. My shakes get so bad that I cant write or even make a cup of coffee without making a mess.
I have always been able to hide my depression. I don’t suffer from severe depression but I’m never a happy person. I’ve been medicated for this since I was 15 and I was a miserable child. I’ve had a long time to practice the smiley face.