#032 – Auditory Hallucinations

I get voices. I hear voices and have been attacked by them for a long time. I take two antipsychotic medications to tackle them, along with my paranoia, which takes the edge off but it doesn’t eliminate them. They are almost always there. I can’t remember when I started hearing them? It was well over fifteen years ago, maybe around the same time I was diagnosed. They’re not always the same voices but there are some that are consistent and I have had for years. I get orders from these ‘entities’ not to speak about them. They tell me to harm myself and to kill myself and basically tell me all sorts of awful things. They are all negative. I don’t understand why I don’t her voices telling me nice things? They tell me not to take my medication and that people are out to get me.

It can be hard having conversations with people when the voices are really acting up. It’s like listening to two people talking to you are once. I am forever asking people to repeat what they just told me because I loose track of what we are talking about. People must think I’m being rude or not paying attention to them when in ‘reality’ I am just focusing more on the voices than the conversation. I sometimes have to excuse myself.

I have fairly good insight to my illness. For the best part of the time I realise it’s all in my head and the voices are fragments of my imagination but there are times that I actually think there is more to them. They sometimes predict things that haven’t happened yet. I sometimes believe they are the souls of dead people communicating with me, sometimes I think it something more sinister like a demon who has been sent to taunt me. Cemeteries have always been an interest of mine. I used to go and take photos late at night to see if I could capture anything paranormal on film (I did but that’s for another post) I feel as if a spirit attached itself to me and is living it’s existence through mine.

If it is all part of my psychotic illness and it’s all concocted in my head… where are they coming from? They can be very clear and very clever. They tell me things that I don’t know… knowledge I haven’t got in my head or that I know anything about comes through. Where is this information coming from? Can you see my point? Sometimes I fall victim and have complete faith that there is more going on behind the scenes than the psychiatrists tell me. I don’t tell my shrink, or anyone for that matter, what I am experiencing as they think it is part of my illness and I’m also told by the voices not to tell people about them. I’m not sure why they don’t want to be spoken of?

All I know is that it looks like I am stuck with them. They rarely cause me stress these days. I have learnt to live with them. Clozapine eases the severity of them but they are still always there. This is my lot in life.

All I know is that it looks like I am stuck with them. They rarely cause me stress these days. I have learnt to live with them. Clozapine eases the severity of them but they are still always there. This is my lot in life.

Published by aperfecttool83

I'm a 37 year old who lives in Melbourne Australia. I have many interests but I want to base this blog on my mental health. I have schizophrenia, depression & anxiety. I have 15 years experience with psychiatrists and I have had close to 20 hospital admissions. I plan on writing about my delusions, voices, paranoia, depression and how to deal with them psychiatrists :) I really hope this blog can help someone. Please feel free to contact me and I promise to get back to you. Have a nice day!

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