#029 – I Hurt Myself

This blog is one I have been reluctant to write and I’ve been debating as to how to tackle it. It’s a touchy subject. One that I have only spoken in depth about to my immediate family and my doctors. Here I am putting it out to the world. I figure I remain anonymous to people that come across this blog as I don’t give out the site to people I know so what harm can be done? I put a video on my YouTube channel and it was taken down because of the subject matter. Here it goes!

From an early age I would hurt myself. Mainly deep scratches, enough to draw a bit of blood but nothing major. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. I didn’t think it was normal but it was just something I did. I don’t know why? As I got older the scratches turned into deeper cuts. Deep enough to leave scares. Most of these were done to my upper legs where they couldn’t be seen. This wasn’t a frequent occurrence but it happened often enough. 

When I was about 13 or 14 my folks found out and sent me to a child psychologist. This continued through my teenage years each time getting worse. I started cutting so deep I was starting to get stitches to repair the damage. It had moved from my legs to my arms where the scars were more apparent. I often did this when I drank heavily but there were times when I was sober. I didn’t know why I was doing this? I still don’t understand the psychology behind why it happened? On a couple of occasions I had voices telling me to do this to myself. I still get the same voices but I’ve learnt to ignore them.

It wasn’t just cutting. I would put ‘safety’ pins into my arms and I did all my own facial piercings. I horrified my parents one morning when they woke one morning and I had safety pins through my eyebrows, nose and lips. I figured piercing were culturally acceptable so what would the big deal be if I did my own. Cut out the middle man. I even did it at work on two occasions. I would work with knives in the produce department and deliberately cut myself to go to the hospital and get the day off work.

Once I stabbed myself in the arm and severed my radial nerve which I needed to go into surgery to repair. The last one was the worst and also the last. I burnt my arm. I’m talking about third degree burns that needed to be treated for months. I went camping once and heated a fork over the fire before applying it to my upper arm, removing part of a tattoo I have. This scar can’t be hidden and makes my arm look like a mess. People often look at it as their talking to me.

I’m happy to say I am over this phase. I still get the commanding voices that tell me to hurt or kill myself but I’m the one with the power and this my friends is called psychosis. It’s been four years since I harmed myself and I can make the guarantee to myself and my parents this will never happen again.

This made for some tough writing. I know you think I’m nuts and I’ve come around to knowing this myself but I can’t change the past. Thanks for reading!

Published by aperfecttool83

I'm a 37 year old who lives in Melbourne Australia. I have many interests but I want to base this blog on my mental health. I have schizophrenia, depression & anxiety. I have 15 years experience with psychiatrists and I have had close to 20 hospital admissions. I plan on writing about my delusions, voices, paranoia, depression and how to deal with them psychiatrists :) I really hope this blog can help someone. Please feel free to contact me and I promise to get back to you. Have a nice day!

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