I’ve got to stop worrying what people think of me. We all care what others think and a lot of people have decent sized egos weather they realise it or not. In my younger years I would always say “I don’t care what people think of me’ which was a lie. I cared very much so what peoples perception of me were. From what I wore, to who I hung out with, to new cars, to what music I identified with, to the drugs I took, to the tattoos I had scribbled on me and the piercings I inflicted to my face, to the job I had etc. I wanted to fit in and I thought these things would help me achieve this. As a teen I went through a ‘goth’ phase which was a statement to say screw you world… I don’t care what you think of me. If this was the case I wouldn’t have dyed my hair black and sported Marilyn Manson t-shirts. It was a paradox I guess. I was fighting against society by wanting to fit in society.
I still care what people think greatly. I’m 37 and I still stress about what my folks think of me. I have to sneak out the back for a cigarette knowing full well they could smell it on me. I hide my empty beer bottles around the house knowing full well they knew I was drunk and they were going to find them at some point. I gained employment and did courses to make out I was doing something with my life to keep my parents happy. As embarrassing as it is to admit I am still afraid of upsetting the old’s.
As an adult my fear is people, mostly my family and acquaintances, see me as a failure. Unfortunately I have little control over this because of my illness. I comes down mostly to the fact I don’t work and haven’t had employment for years. I sometimes wonder if I’d gain more respect from people if I was stacking shelves as a living?
These days I honestly don’t care what people think of me when it comes to my appearance. I often grow my hair out, have a three month year old beard, where the same cloths every day. I couldn’t care less what strangers think of me when it comes to this.
So this is something I need to get over – I just don’t know how? Perhaps this is just something that makes up who I am? Maybe I’m just a schizophrenic, eccentric artist? It’s also important to recognise my positive points. I consider myself to be a caring, sensitive, creative person who has just been dealt with some bad cards.