#010 – Schizophrenia and Relationships

One of the hardest things for me to get around when it comes to meeting ladies (mostly online) is letting them know I don’t work, I’m on a disability support pension, I have a history of mental illness, I have scars all over my body and I take medications. This is a big pill to swallow (no pun intended) and I completely understand why I’m single. I also need my own space – a lot more than the average person. I am quiet comfortable with my own company so I would need to be in a relationship where my partner was either the same or understood this. I don’t want children and I don’t want to take on kids that aren’t mine unless they were older. This is rare as I get older and meet people similar ages. I am quite aware that I’m not the greatest looking guy and I come with all this baggage and to an extent I have my own requirements or expectations but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’m starting to learn this. 

Recently I started internet dating but obviously nothing came of it. I would make a connection with someone but then the truth comes out and I frighten the lady off. I started out playing my situation down and exaggerating. When it came to work I would say I work as a chippy because I occasionally help out my dad and brother who are both builders. I would say I was a graphic designer because I studied that at school and ran my own design business before becoming unwell. My profile photos weren’t flattering and I had little else to offer. I started receiving ‘matches’ online and the majority were morbidly obese. I want a relationship but even I have standards and I don’t mind saying I’d prefer to be single than hook up with someone twice my size. That’s just how it is! All past relationships have been with ladies with their own mental health issues. A lot from psychiatric wards. I guess this proves two things: if I spend time in person with someone and they get to know me and my attributes I have a greater success rate and two: we are both in similar boats and understand that we are both somewhat damaged.

Even when things work out with a lady I have a tendency to sabotaged the relationship. I don’t know why this is? My last relationship was with a lady from hospital who I really liked. We formed a relationship and met up at her house. Everything was good until my paranoia kicked in the following morning and I left. She drank like me, had a similar illness, was attractive and made a lot of money. I through it all away. After spending a single night together I had to get myself out of the situation and get home to my empty house. My safe space. Not long before this happened I hooked up with a lady with schizophrenia who I met randomly online. Her condition was worse than mine and I couldn’t handle it. I have a hard enough time looking after my own illness without taking on someone else’s psychotic attacks. Without going into detail it I had to take out a restraining order on her.

I’m not a lonely person. I have a soft spot for people who want friends or relationships and have no luck. At the end of the day I don’t NEED someone. The jigsaw will fall into place for me at some point. It’s just a matter of fitting what I want in with someone else’s desires. It’s difficult to find that person when I isolate and hardly leave the house. Maybe this is one of the reason I find ladies in hospital. I’m out amongst people.

I want to make it clear I don’t put myself above or below anyone but with internet dating it’s hard not to be cynical. There are a lot of simple people out there. One of the first questions I ask, as a bit of a test, is what music do you listen to and what bands are you into? Most responses are ‘I like all music’ or name a teenage popstar. When I look through peoples profiles the majority of people don’t tend to have any passionate interests. Shopping, coffee, partying, nightlife, walks on the beach, Harry Potter. My interests include reading nonfiction, modern philosophy, art, photography, conversation, web design, podcasts, documentaries, conspiracies etc. I’m not sure if this is a turn on for most ladies because if it is… it is yet to work!

Published by aperfecttool83

I'm a 37 year old who lives in Melbourne Australia. I have many interests but I want to base this blog on my mental health. I have schizophrenia, depression & anxiety. I have 15 years experience with psychiatrists and I have had close to 20 hospital admissions. I plan on writing about my delusions, voices, paranoia, depression and how to deal with them psychiatrists :) I really hope this blog can help someone. Please feel free to contact me and I promise to get back to you. Have a nice day!

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